For Tanya, honesty in conversations made a real and lasting difference to her family before her husband Dave’s death from a brain tumour in June 2023 when he was 48.

Support from the Wellbeing Team

“Vanessa from the wellbeing team was so calm and supportive in chatting to me since Dave’s diagnosis. I knew that Dave wanted to die at home but had no idea exactly what I would need to do when it happened. Vanessa took the stress away by guiding me through.

“It was so helpful that she directly asked me whether I was aware of who to call after Dave died, if he died at home. Since then, I have helped friends to consider practical steps like this early because I knew the difference it made.

“With Vanessa, I could be completely honest and share any of my worries that I didn’t feel I could say to Dave.

Care at Saint Michael’s Hospice

“When Dave arrived at Saint Michael’s inpatient unit six days before his death, it was such a relief. Everyone was so caring. What really mattered to me was that every member of staff spoke directly to Dave and looked him in the eye, even when he wasn’t able to respond. They explained what they were doing when turning him or helping him move.

“It really helped that the team were upfront about what was happening and didn’t hide any information from us.

“Dave’s death was very peaceful. After Dave died in the early hours, my dad and I went to get a cup of tea. When we returned to Dave’s room, the staff had laid him out beautifully with a peony near his head. This was incredible as Dave had beautiful peonies in his garden which our family loved.

“Dave and Corey, our long term foster child, were very close. After Dave’s own experience losing his mum at a young age, we made the decision to be really open with Corey and explain everything that was happening to Dave right through his illness.

Dave’s funeral

“For example, before Dave’s funeral, I explained exactly what would happen: that Dave’s body would be in the coffin, carried on a tractor trailer from our farm. Sometimes it’s easy to forgot that children don’t know what to expect. We tried to give Corey the space to ask honest, open questions and never spoke in whispers or hushed tones about what was happening.

“Dave regularly told Corey that he loved him and didn’t want to leave him. Corey remembers this now, and while he misses Dave massively, he’s doing ok.

“If I could share anything with families in similar positions, it would be to have honest conversations and ask questions at every stage. This has made a big difference to, Corey and I.

Find out more about having honest conversations on our “Talking about Dying” page

“Our family has had some really special ways to remember Dave. At his funeral, we had a gorgeous  handmade wooden coffin. On top, we put a pair of Dave’s best wellies bursting with beautiful peonies arranged with so much love by our friend Annie.

“Some of our friends keep the order of service from Dave’s funeral on their mantle piece. They have the picture of ‘weekday Dave’ smiling Monday to Friday’ and they flip it over to show ‘weekend Dave’ with a pint glass in his hand for Saturday and Sunday.